It's my Saturday. It's really Tuesday, but in my mind it's Saturday. I usually despise waking up to sunlight streaming through my window, so I have the blinds closed and two dark scarves thrown haphazardly over the top guard in a vain attempt to make my hovel as dim as possible. I actually would prefer an overcast day to a sunny one. Friends gawk at me when I say this and I can't really explain it. There's nothing depressing fueling my preference: it's not because "the atmosphere matches my desire to off myself" and it's got nothing to do with having an insatiable desire to join the undead. I would just rather spend my time strolling outside during a fierce thunderstorm than basking on the beach, soaking myself in sunlight. There is something utterly breath-catching about seeing fluffy charcoal clouds rolling over top of each other, vying for the best position above your head. There is something so inexplicable about that scent right before the heavens open up. I can't think of a better sound than the patter of heavy rain drops on a tin roof. I can't imagine a better feeling than squishing across a field, drenched with steady rainfall, barefoot, enjoying the puddles swelling and oozing over my cold feet. And the rain. The sweet rain. The more of it, the better, in my book. I crave a good thunderstorm that rattles the windows and wipes every trace of grime off Toby (my car).
But, it's Saturday. And it's sunny. I use to think there was something wrong with me for not caring too much for the sun. After all, light is good...dark is bad, childishly put, of course. So, because I enjoy steel skies over blue skies, that must mean I'm a bad person...right? Obviously not, but it does give one pause.
I have a point to make, but I'm not entirely sure of what it is myself, so I think I shall sign off for now and collect my thoughts. Perhaps I'll make more sense later....
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Precarious Peace
Everyone sit down and breathe deeply in and out. I know I haven't posted anything for a long time. For those few but faithful who were eagerly anticipating a new missive, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. The inclination to write hasn't been very strong of late and when it has, I'm nowhere near a computer or a notebook. So! Here I sit.
I was sitting in church last Wednesday night, awkwardly getting accustomed to my "cautious peace", as I've begun to call it. You all know that I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago to North Carolina. You also know that I have certain fears and trepidations when I leave Florida, knowing I have to return. I would like to ease into denial and say it's not negative thinking or unnecessary worrying, but that's what it amounts to in reality. It's a fact. When I board a plane to leave the Sunny State, I'm already obsessing over and dreading getting on a place on the other side and coming back. Ridiculous, I know. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy the reprieve from work? Why do I have to already be worrying about the end of my break? I do that with a lot of things, I realized. I focus more on the future than I do on the present; okay in moderation, but not so hot when taken to the extreme. I think I do this, especially about where I'm at now, because I'm so confounded by my inability to make it home. I was slightly alarmed and more than a bit suspicious when I boarded the plane to return and not only didn't bawl buckets (for once), but found myself cautiously looking forward to a new beginning here in Florida. My mom said, "Beka, I think you've turned a corner." I think she's right. Now, whether or not I'm going to keep walking in the new direction or turning tail and bolting the other way remains to be seen, but I do believe I have a choice and I do believe that for my own benefit, I should keep walking this new path. The reason I call this my cautious peace is, as usual, I'm already contemplating it shattering and throwing me deep into the emptiness I had before. I'm hesitantly extending my life out to Jesus in the hopes that he won't break me. The trust is coming back. You all also know that I wasn't walking with Jesus before I left. I'd made some pretty bad choices and an even worse one by chosing not to correct myself. I'd heard that voice...soft, but insistent asking me to give up the world, but I'd managed to ignore it. He then got loud. This is where church comes in. The sensation that I was being called out by God had been getting progressively stronger, but I was waiting for one more big blow before I allowed Him to mend my ways. It came in the form of Sy Roger. He'd been a Christian for about 30 years, but before he came to know Jesus, he was deep in the homosexual lifestyle. Through his testimony, God spoke directly to me...told me how He saw me, what He expected from my life, and more suprisingly, the benefits of turning to Him. I've never considered God actively "selling Himself" to one of His children, but that's exactly what He did with me. I won't tell you details (if you want them, my number is...just kidding). This sense of contentment has continued and with it has come the long awaited excitment for the things of the Lord. This is a feeling I never thought to experience again. But, (quite literally), praise the Lord, He's given my the 2 x 4 upside the head that I so desperately needed!
I was sitting in church last Wednesday night, awkwardly getting accustomed to my "cautious peace", as I've begun to call it. You all know that I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago to North Carolina. You also know that I have certain fears and trepidations when I leave Florida, knowing I have to return. I would like to ease into denial and say it's not negative thinking or unnecessary worrying, but that's what it amounts to in reality. It's a fact. When I board a plane to leave the Sunny State, I'm already obsessing over and dreading getting on a place on the other side and coming back. Ridiculous, I know. Why can't I just sit back and enjoy the reprieve from work? Why do I have to already be worrying about the end of my break? I do that with a lot of things, I realized. I focus more on the future than I do on the present; okay in moderation, but not so hot when taken to the extreme. I think I do this, especially about where I'm at now, because I'm so confounded by my inability to make it home. I was slightly alarmed and more than a bit suspicious when I boarded the plane to return and not only didn't bawl buckets (for once), but found myself cautiously looking forward to a new beginning here in Florida. My mom said, "Beka, I think you've turned a corner." I think she's right. Now, whether or not I'm going to keep walking in the new direction or turning tail and bolting the other way remains to be seen, but I do believe I have a choice and I do believe that for my own benefit, I should keep walking this new path. The reason I call this my cautious peace is, as usual, I'm already contemplating it shattering and throwing me deep into the emptiness I had before. I'm hesitantly extending my life out to Jesus in the hopes that he won't break me. The trust is coming back. You all also know that I wasn't walking with Jesus before I left. I'd made some pretty bad choices and an even worse one by chosing not to correct myself. I'd heard that voice...soft, but insistent asking me to give up the world, but I'd managed to ignore it. He then got loud. This is where church comes in. The sensation that I was being called out by God had been getting progressively stronger, but I was waiting for one more big blow before I allowed Him to mend my ways. It came in the form of Sy Roger. He'd been a Christian for about 30 years, but before he came to know Jesus, he was deep in the homosexual lifestyle. Through his testimony, God spoke directly to me...told me how He saw me, what He expected from my life, and more suprisingly, the benefits of turning to Him. I've never considered God actively "selling Himself" to one of His children, but that's exactly what He did with me. I won't tell you details (if you want them, my number is...just kidding). This sense of contentment has continued and with it has come the long awaited excitment for the things of the Lord. This is a feeling I never thought to experience again. But, (quite literally), praise the Lord, He's given my the 2 x 4 upside the head that I so desperately needed!
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