But I'm Already Dead....

I'm not even sure I want to post this on the internet where anybody can take a peek into my struggles, but for some reason, hand-writing isn't cutting it tonight. It almost eight o'clock on the day before I go to work. It's not work that's upsetting me. I wish I knew what was so I could fix it. I'm having a hard time trusting God and I hate it that my relationship with Him is not as natural as breathing. I hate it that I feel estranged from Him. I know it's my fault. It can't be His, so it has to be mine. I'm so lonely and I despise myself for not letting Jesus be enough. He's suppose to be. He's suppose to fill all the holes. Why the mistrust? Has He done everything to meet my needs and even my wants? Did He not get me out of Florida and back home? Has He not given me a job in my field as the head of a department? I've gotten on my knees and thanked Him for this and yet the hole remain- gaping and threatening to expand. At this moment, I feel consumed with it. I am coming to the conclusion that my expectations from this life are too high, but I feel like I'm cheating myself and those I interact with if I lower my standards. I find satisfaction in my work. I enjoy being near my family. I have a car that works. I am able to pay the majority of my bills. I have a cat who seems to enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers. And yet the restlessness continues. Maybe I just don't love Jesus enough. Can one expect too much of God? And if I can't, perhaps it's looking at Him as a genie who will grant my wishes with a wave of His hand. I certainly don't mean to view Him in this light. I want to have the reverence and holy fear I should have when approaching His throne. But I don't. In fact, I think I stride up with a hint of accusation and cloaked in apprehension. It's times like these that thoughts of swiftly ending it creep up to haunt me. It always scares me how easily my mind turns down that road and how long my brain actively entertains those thoughts which I know are from satan himself. Oh, Jesus, why is it so much easier to believe the lies than the truth? Why can I not find satisfaction in you? Why the constant breaking, twisting, and bending of my soul? Are you truly the Prince of Peace? And if so, why can't I partake of that peace which passes all human understanding. I'm pleading with your Spirit to intervene for me. I don't understand my own prayers these days, much less what He would say, but I'm trusting He's praying in Your will. I know I was brought here for a reason. I do believe that you have a purpose for me. Should I just cling to that and forget the rest? To my readers who are traumatized by this or feel as if I'm finally at the end of my sanity, do try to relax. I am grasping at the coattails of Jesus and I'm praying He won't walk too fast and leave me in the dust.